


Remembrance of a Fallen Angel

by gaemmel



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: M/M, Raphael!Crowley, back in heaven, back in the really early days
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-30
Updated: 2019-08-30
Packaged: 2020-09-30 21:48:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,175
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20454059
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gaemmel/pseuds/gaemmel
Summary: Crowley remembers what it was like to be the Archangel Raphael.





	Remembrance of a Fallen Angel

**Author's Note:**

> So this basically just poured out of me, it has not structure whatsoever and besides from my SO looking over it and fixing some typos, no one beta read this. Have fun?

When I first realized he doesn’t remember me, it nearly broke me. All this time, all this waiting in that damned dirty shit hole that is Hell, only dirt and questions to keep me company.

Will he forgive me? Will he love me like he did before?

But he couldn’t. Of course he couldn’t, they wouldn’t let him. Which was probably good for him, thinking about it. It would have torn him apart, he’d done something stupid for me. 

Loving a demon like that, as deeply and as fiercely as we used to love each other, it would have made him fall. It was mercy they made him forget me, forget us. 

Forget Raphael. 

I saw him, back then, from afar when they sent me to Eden. My heart stuttered, and my urges were conflicting: I didn’t want him to see me like this, to have his eyes gaze upon how Falling had changed my body, turned my wings as black as tar and gave me the eyes of a serpent. Oh, I had such beautiful eyes before, he’d always tell me how much he loved them.

“All the stars you created can’t shine as bright as your eyes, Raphael”, he’d say to me when we’d sit side by side. That’s what you did back then, as Angels, when you were madly in love. Sit side by side, walk side by side, hold each other’s hands in reverence. It’s laughable, really, now that the humans invented so many other wonderful things to do when you love somebody, like go to the movies or fuck on a washing machine.

I’d try out both immediately with Aziraphale, if he’d want to. But he doesn’t remember. He forgot my name and he forgot who I used to be. The spell is old, more than 6000 years old, powerful Angelic magic, I doubt that there is any way to reverse or break it. If I had any shred of hope left, I’d do anything, I’d try it all. Just to have him look at me like that again. Doesn’t he miss his lover? He forgot Raphael, but Raphael disappeared when I fell. I am not that Angel anymore. 

Maybe I never was? Maybe I was destined to spend most of my existence working for the Bad ones, probably because I am the only one with half a brain down there, since all the brain seemed to have stayed upstairs when She invented evil. 

Maybe Aziraphale and me were not supposed to last. 

But I have to remember, I have to recall every second of our first, small eternity in Heaven together, long before time itself was created. I have to remember everything he said, all the discussions we used to have, the way he’d laugh at my jokes, the worried looks he’d throw me when I’d be out of line again. And I was out of line  _ a lot _ . The other angels would talk, whisper behind my back. 

Bullying hadn’t been invented yet, and back then I was filled with so much fucking faith in everything that I genuinely believed that the other angels were worried for me and my eternal soul. 

I know Aziraphale was, but he’d still laugh when I came back with some new, exciting story of what I had done that day, how I’d danced on Gabriel’s nose and got away with it. Aziraphale would laugh, and I would see that spark of admiration in his eyes, and I’d have done anything to make him admire me. 

Pride is a sin.

Is “wanting that really pretty angel with the beautiful laugh to hold your hand as you fly off to go look at the stars together” a sin, too? 

We invented kissing. No, seriously, we did. It’s a shame Aziraphale doesn’t at least remember that, we are so damn proud of ourselves. 

She had been experimenting with matter and corporeal forms at the time, and a few of us got prototypes of what would later become human bodies - there were wonky and lacked a few bits and wouldn’t have been able to survive if actually set out into the world, but having a body became a craze at that time. Not everybody got one, but Aziraphale and Raphael - not me, Raphael - were among the first ones. 

And we found out that having a corporeal form made you feel things differently, it made you shiver and gave you tickles and weird itches and every hour - thought we did not call it an hour back then - we’d discover something new. 

So Aziraphale and me, enamored with each other and with the excitement of having bodies, sat side by side, our legs touching on the edge of the star we were sitting on, our fingers intertwined… it almost happened by itself, it was so easy to just press my lips to his. I guess I should have asked first, in retrospect, but consent hadn’t been invented, because the thought of doing anything that needed consent hadn’t been thought yet. 

He giggled and kissed me back, back then. We kissed and kissed, and giggled and giggled, because it felt intense and ticklish, if I had to find a word for it today, I would say we were drunk on the feeling of each other’s lips on our own. 

And naturally, at the end of the not-yet-called-a-day, we reported back to Her, and told Her of what we had discovered. 

**Show me.**

I will never forget how we kissed in front of Her and every single being in Heaven, and how they all were taken away by the revelation of it. 

**What does it feel like?**

“Oh Lord”, Aziraphale cried out, almost in tears “as if this body was made for nothing else, as if there was no greater reverence to You, Lord, as in the joining of two bodies in devotion to each other!” 

(He’d always been better at phrasing these things, so I let him do the talking when not spoken to directly. I’d probably have said something like “Nice. Lord.”) 

**So this is about Love?**

“Nothing has ever made me feel so in love with the world as this.” Aziraphale solemnly swore. I did feel the same, to some degree, but thought it mostly made me feel more in love with  _ him.  _

**Then the “Kiss” shall be part of the human life, a proof of their love to Me and everyone they care for. **

After that, kissing became the new rage. Everyone was doing it, all the time. Thinking about how stiff and prude Heaven is now, it’s ridiculous. If Herpes had been invented back then, Gabriel would have died of it. (Of course, it couldn’t have been. Herpes was the idea of Pestilence, back when they were still in existence, and they got that idea by watching the Greeks make out. When Beelzebub got the memo, she confused it with fashion advice, though.) 

Now I am sure that fucker didn’t touch another entity willingly for the last four thousand years. 

Oh, if only Aziraphale could know.


End file.
